So, on the weekend I went and did one of my most favourite things in the world – let people play with my  hair!  

But for years, I avoided going to the hairdresser, it would literally fill me with dread and fear and I avoided the place like it was a cockroach infested lair.  Why?  Well, this is why:


Actually sitting there, looking at myself in the mirror was practically impossible for me.  Honestly, for anyone experiencing depression that involves a deep sense of self loathing and relentless negative thoughts,  this is THE last place in the world you want to sit for two hours.  Staring at yourself in the mirror.  *Blegh*  So instead of walking out of a salon feeling primped, pampered and a million dollars, I’d walk out feeling even more disgusted and low. 

And it wasn’t just hair dresser mirrors I avoided, it was all mirrors.  I barely gave myself a daily glimpse in the mirror.  This tactic was a really good method to avoid the truth of the obvious:  I wasn’t taking care of myself.   If I didn’t look, I didn’t have to acknowledge that deep dark secret that I carried around with myself constantly, and that was that I hated myself.   Hated myself so much, that I didn’t want to even brush my hair.

So this meant I would easily go 6 months, maybe a year without going to the hairdresser.   Fortunately, this didn’t really matter for a hairstyle that was long straight boring and usually tied up in a pony!

The thing is, I love the hairdressing service.  Having someone else shampoo my hair is incredible! And the scalp massage, PLEASE!!  When that conditioning treatment goes on, I literally groan in my head – I ‘d do it out loud other than the fear that everyone in near proximity would think there was something entirely different and inappropriate going on! 

So, this is how I know how much progress I have made with my mental health.  The dreaded greys appeared, it took a little courage but off I trotted.  But the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror, and in fact even share a photograph – is a huge thing for me.  I feel like I’m finally entering back into the world of self care and giving a shit about myself. 

Well done me, pat on back.  It’s been a long road to get here.  Still a little way to go, but we are definitely moving in the right direction.

Loving my new colour 🙂