So, on the weekend I went and did one of my most favourite things in the world – let people play with my hair!
But for years, I avoided going to the hairdresser, it would literally fill me with dread and fear and I avoided the place like it was a cockroach infested lair. Why? Well, this is why:
Actually sitting there, looking at myself in the mirror was practically impossible for me. Honestly, for anyone experiencing depression that involves a deep sense of self loathing and relentless negative thoughts, this is THE last place in the world you want to sit for two hours. Staring at yourself in the mirror. *Blegh* So instead of walking out of a salon feeling primped, pampered and a million dollars, I’d walk out feeling even more disgusted and low.
And it wasn’t just hair dresser mirrors I avoided, it was all mirrors. I barely gave myself a daily glimpse in the mirror. This tactic was a really good method to avoid the truth of the obvious: I wasn’t taking care of myself. If I didn’t look, I didn’t have to acknowledge that deep dark secret that I carried around with myself constantly, and that was that I hated myself. Hated myself so much, that I didn’t want to even brush my hair.
So this meant I would easily go 6 months, maybe a year without going to the hairdresser. Fortunately, this didn’t really matter for a hairstyle that was long straight boring and usually tied up in a pony!
The thing is, I love the hairdressing service. Having someone else shampoo my hair is incredible! And the scalp massage, PLEASE!! When that conditioning treatment goes on, I literally groan in my head – I ‘d do it out loud other than the fear that everyone in near proximity would think there was something entirely different and inappropriate going on!
So, this is how I know how much progress I have made with my mental health. The dreaded greys appeared, it took a little courage but off I trotted. But the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror, and in fact even share a photograph – is a huge thing for me. I feel like I’m finally entering back into the world of self care and giving a shit about myself.
Well done me, pat on back. It’s been a long road to get here. Still a little way to go, but we are definitely moving in the right direction.
Loving my new colour 🙂
